To The Faithful Departed
by snow dome
Summary: Chasing Amy fic. Slash. Banky, Hooper, Holden.
1. A Conversation of Self Discovery

A Conversation of Self Discovery 

It's been months since I've seen or heard from Holden. I can't contact him, I don't even know where he is. I thought maybe I could ask Hooper if he knew how I could contact him. Unfortunately I didn't get around to it. Here's the gist of the conversation we had last night, back at his place in Jersey.

HOOPER: What brings you to my neighborhood?

ME: Nothing much, I've just had a lot on my mind and wanted to talk to someone about it.

HOOPER: Doesn't sound like nothing much. So, since you have no female friends, you thought you'd come talk to the next best thing - a gay guy.

ME: Hey! I never said that.

HOOPER: But it's true.

ME: (pause) yes, that may be the case, but you don't need to rub it in my face.

HOOPER: Anyway, what did you come to talk to me about? The realization that Archie is in fact, gay?

ME: Actually, no.

HOOPER: What then?

ME: I'm missing Holden.

HOOPER: Well of course you are! You've realised that your life has no meaning without him, right?

ME: Well, not exactly. You see, we were going to give up Bluntman and Chronic anyway, Alyssa just sped it up for us.

HOOPER: But you could've created another comic together.

ME: I don't think so. After all, all I was to the fans was a tracer. I wanted to try something new.

HOOPER: If you're not missing him in a work sense, Banky, I hate to say it, but there's only one other reason I could understand why.

ME: We've been friends for years, of course it's natural for me to miss him.

HOOPER: You're in denial, Banky.

ME: About me and Holden being friends?

HOOPER: Yes and no. If you were really friends, you wouldn't have had no contact with him for so long. It's over, Banky. But don't blame yourself, it's not your fault Holden made the proposal.

ME: And kissed me.

HOOPER: And kissed you? You never told me about that.

ME: Sorry, it was on my mind, I had to get it out.

HOOPER: Then it's worse than I expected.

ME: What do you mean?

HOOPER: What do I mean?

ME: (interrupting) Stop repeating me.

HOOPER: Sorry. I mean, I just thought it was a little crush. Banky, just stop denying it, you're in love with him.

ME: I am not.

HOOPER: Come to the dark side, Banky, I'll make you comfortable with it.

ME: What's with the double meaning? Hooper, I don't need that kind of help.

HOOPER: Do you want me to recommend a good psychologist then?

ME: No!

HOOPER: Fine then, your loss.

ME: Holden wouldn't go for me anyway...

I didn't even wait for his response. I walked out of his place to find yet again, people almost fucking on my car. After yelling at them, they fucked off, and I drove back home. I couldn't stop thinking about the conversation I had with Hooper. He was right, I am in love with Holden, I just can't openly admit it. Last night was the first time I was even able to admit it to myself.

© January 2002


	2. Forever Friends?

Forever Friends? 

He showed up. My long term friend and the love of my life. I wasn't expecting him to show up. We hadn't even spoken to each other in about a year. Not after his proposal. Not after he kissed me. About six months before, I had a chat to Hooper. He helped me come to the realisation that I am, in fact, in love with Holden. It's also quite possible that I'm just the only person who didn't know it, either. Hell, Alyssa probably even knew.

The comic convention was better this time, for two reasons. Firstly, no one could accuse me of being a tracer any more - I have my own line of comics now. At one stage I was thinking of writing "The Dyke From Hell" but I thought better of it. In the publishing sense anyway. I wrote it, and made one copy. I was keeping it in the event that possibly Holden would get over Alyssa, and he'd get a kick out of it. I wrote it when I was feeling bitter and depressed. Alyssa ditched him, but he ditched me. I imagine that he was somewhat uncomfortable with how his proposal turned out. Nothing I could say could convince him that I didn't really want to go through with it. I think it was partially because I didn't believe it myself.

He waved to me, and I smiled, then noticed him wander off elsewhere. To find Alyssa, was my guess. Of course, I had my hopes up that he'd gotten over her by now, but with his comic "Chasing Amy", that wasn't a likely story. I saw him leave, smiling at me one more time. I wanted to follow him, but at that moment was when a bunch of other people had decided to come to my desk to get their comics signed. When the crowd died down, and dispersed, I decided to pack up and take a lunch break before coming back.

I left through the entrance door and saw Holden sitting outside on a limestone plantery. You know - those big circular things with trees or plants inside. There were only green plants in this one - it was too close to the convention center to have a tree inside it, and I don't think whoever put it there wanted flowers in it because the conventions held here are still dominated mostly be males.

Holden hadn't seen me walk out yet. He was flipping through a comic he must've picked up somewhere. It may've been his, I wasn't sure. I had to contemplate what to do next - as he didn't know I was there, I could've just ignored him and walked down the road to the lunch bar I've been eating at a lot lately. Or I could've wandered up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. Neither happened, however. I just stood there, staring. Staring until he finally got bored with his comic and looked up. Looking around for a moment before pausing on me, making sure of eye contact. I tried not to look away, but I could feel myself blushing. He motioned his hand to come over, so I did, and sat down next to him.

I stared at him as he looked down at the ground, trying to find the words he was looking for, then spoke up.

"I was waiting here for you. I thought you might come out soon for lunch."

"Good thinking," I commented, "you know me too well."

"Bank, I know we haven't been the best of friends lately, and I know I could've called, even if only to let you know I was alive, but I was afraid. And I didn't know what I would say."

Holden was still looking at the ground. I tapped him on the back for comfort.

"I've seriously missed you," I stated, not thinking of anything else to say.

It's awkward when friends have a moment like we'd had. There's so many complications that rise, and things just turn more uncomfortable everytime you see each other next.

He stopped looking at the floor, and looked over at me. "I suppose you're hungry. That is, after all, why you came out here, right?" I nodded and he continued, "Well, let's go get something to eat and talk more at the lunch bar. I could go for a chicken sandwich myself."

I shrugged and thought I may as well have the same. When we arrived about thirty seconds later, I found us a booth in the corner while he ordered for us. For the last six months I've been waiting for a chance like this, to see Holden again, but during that time, I hadn't come up with one witty or clever thing to say to him. All I could think about was the kiss, and how I'd like to have another similar opportunity - one so that I could kiss him back.

When Holden came back, I noticed he'd changed his mind on the chicken sandwiches. As I'd told him to get me whatever he got himself, I ended up with some wedges and chilli sauce, plus a stuffed hamburger. I stuck my foot up on his side of the table - that being more comfortable than leaving it on the ground. I'd thought I just put it beside Holden, but with his next comment, I was obviously wrong.

"Trying to make me hard, are you?"

I didn't get what he was talking about at first - did I want him to lift weights? But then I realised that I placed my foot right in between his legs.

"Oops," I said with a blush, "I'll move it..."

And just as I'd tried to move it, Holden stopped me. Either he hadn't had sex in a while and he was lonely and wanted someone other than himself to satisfy him sexually for a change, or he actually wanted my foot there. In fact, he pulled it closer to himself. If I hadn't been wearing shoes, I swear I probably would've felt him getting harder by the second. It was making me feel somewhat uncomfortable.

Why would I be uncomfortable? I think part of it has to do with that desire to have the unattainable - the fact that Holden didn't seem so unattainable any more made me feel uncomfortable. Well, that, and something else. Six months without seeing your best friend and knowing you're in love with him can be hard on a person. Hooper ended up giving me some hands on experience during that time. Just in case I never had any chance with Holden again, at least I'd know what it would have been like - or at least fractionally. Sex with love is a lot more powerful than fucking - not that I've experienced it - and I just didn't love Hooper. Not in the same way as Holden.

I tried not to think about Hooper and focussed on my food instead. I wasn't sure how much time I had before I should be back at the convention center, but more than an hour was probably too long. I only left ten minutes before, so I still had a decent amount of time to go. If I became more uncomfortable, there was always the option of leaving early and making up an excuse.

Holden was too distracted in his own world, munching down on wedges. Perhaps he could tell that I was deep in thought also. I picked up a wedge subconsciously myself and tried to think of what to say.

Holden, interrupting my thoughts, spoke. "So what have you been up to? I mean, besides the comics."

"Nothing much," I paused, wondering if I should tell him about Hooper, but decided against it. "Mostly thinking, apart from the comics. I made one after you left but only copied it once and kept it for myself. I was trying to come up with new ideas."

A big grin formed on Holden's face before he asked, "Oh yeah? And what was it about?"

"Nothing like your 'Chasing Amy'," I told him, "you wouldn't like it."

"Nothing like it, as in, it doesn't have anything to do with Alyssa, or nothing like it as in, it doesn't portray her in the same light."

I blushed. There wasn't much I could say to that. It was about Alyssa, in a way, at least. His latter assumption would've been the correct option of the two. Ignoring an answer, I bit into my burger.

"She's not all bad, Banky. She wasn't trying to steal me away from you."

Swallowing my food, I responded. "You're only saying that because you were in love with her. Probably still are."

"A year can make a lot of difference," he commented.

"Not when it's true love," I spat out before realising what I'd said.

I shut my mouth, embarrassed by what I'd said. It could've given me away - the fact that I am still in love with him. Even if my cover wasn't blown, I removed my foot from his seat and placed it on the ground. Looking away, I tried to grab a few wedges off my plate, succeeding only by dropping two or three in the mean time.

I looked out of the corner of my eye at him and he showed a confused expression. Shaking it off, he changed to a thought-endued expression as if he was trying to come up with something to say next. I'd thought that maybe that's what he'd been trying to beat out of me - wanting to find out how I felt about him, if it was the same as the night of his proposal. But with the confused expression he'd shown, I thought maybe he didn't know after all.

"What's that supposed to mean?" is what he finally came up with.

I took another couple of bites out of my burger. I really didn't want to finish that conversation, and I'm sure he could see that, but he persisted anyway.

"Are you saying that you thought Alyssa and I shared true love?"

A disgusted look overcame me and he realised he was wrong. Before I managed to stuff down some more wedges, I commented.

"I never, ever, thought you were in love with Alyssa, let alone shared true love."

"Are you saying I'm in love with someone else then, and just didn't see it?"

I raised an eyebrow. Was he hinting at what I thought he was hinting at? It seemed to me like he was suggesting that I thought that he was in love with me.

"By all means, that's not what I was saying. Can we just drop it?"

Holden nodded and I stuffed down some more wedges. He could probably tell that I was beginning to feel rather anxious. We didn't speak again until I'd finished my food. By then, he still had a couple of wedges and half a burger left. I only spoke to ask him if he wanted a drink. He nodded and said he wanted a coffee.

I went up and ordered the coffee for him and took a sprite out of the fridge for myself. After making the purchases, I took the coffee back to Holden and told him I was going back to the convention center. If he still wants to talk, he has my number, I haven't moved. I didn't, however, tell him that I'd most likely be with Hooper if I wasn't home.

© January 2002


	3. Fear and Happiness

Fear and Happiness 

People seemed to be loitering around my space by the time I got back to the convention. One of my fans seemed to be really excited when I'd returned. I was a bit disappointed when he dropped a Bluntman and Chronic comic on my desk. Looking up at him, I realised who it was. Not that I knew his name or anything, I just recognised him as the guy who picked a fight with me at the convention the year before.

"What can I do for you?" I asked.

His response was something I didn't expect, however. There I was, thinking he'd gained a little respect for me and all he was there for was to come back to insult me again.

"Can you sign it 'your fearful tracer'?"

I could feel my face get hot. I was about to explode, and I didn't have Holden there to break up the emerging fight this time. Instead I had to be saved by a gay man. Hooper came to my rescue. He started screaming all these inane ramblings and throwing his gun around like there was no tomorrow. Of course it worked - the idiot was a racist and afraid of black men now, wasn't he?

"Nearly finished up there?" he asked.

I looked around to see if anyone else was heading my way. I didn't see anyone.

"Probably, but I'm going to stick around for a little longer, anyway. You're welcome to join me."

By this time, Hooper was sitting on the top of my desk. He swirled himself around to set himself down on the chair beside me.

"Get many fans?" he asked me.

"Well, it depends what you want to compare it to. If you say there were more than last year that actually respect my work as an artist, then yes. However, I didn't get nearly as much as if Holden was here and we were signing those books together."

"But Holden was here earlier," he stated. "I saw him by Alyssa's desk."

So I was right, he had come to see Alyssa. I knew he never would've come just to see me.

I think Hooper recognised the sadness on my face as he said, "You still miss him, don't you?"

"We had lunch together," I told him, "though it didn't last too long. I'm afraid."

"Of what?"

"I don't know."

Hooper stood up and put his gun down his pants.

"Come with me now or I'll shoot," he mocked.

With his other hand out to me, I wasn't about to refuse. I took his hand and he pulled me up.

"I'm going to take you out tonight, and I'm going to help you forget about Holden."

I knew it wasn't going to do any good. He's been trying to make me forget about Holden for the past six months. But of course I went with him.

"First things first, my libido monster, we're going to go back to your place and get you dressed in some decent clothes."

Of course I had them now, thanks to Hoop. He'd taken me on a shopping spree after I made my first small profit from my comic's release. Designer gay labels. I only wore the suits when Hoop and I went out to various places. I never would wear them out in public if he wasn't there. He was good like that - could make me do just about anything, all with one little mention of Holden. I still don't know how he managed that.

By the time we got upstairs, outside the apartment, Hooper had me in fits of laughter. I didn't even notice Holden sitting outside until he stood up, right in front of the door as I went to unlock it. My laughter faded, and I nearly felt petrified. I shouldn't have, but I did.

"I thought you still had a key," I said to Holden.

"Didn't want to feel like I was breaking in," he responded, "plus, I left it at home."

I turned around and looked at Hooper. He was looking more nervous than I felt. Lost for words, I think. I handed Holden the key so he could open the door for me, seeing that he was closer.

With Holden's back turned, I let my hand touch Hoop's ass and I whispered in his ear, "I won't be too long, how about you go and get ready and then come back to pick me up?"

Hoop nodded just before Holden turned back around, having succeeded at opening the door.

"I was just dropping him off," Hoop told Holden. "No need to get paranoid."

Holden shrugged as if to say it didn't bother him, and he walked inside.

"I'll phone you before I leave, find out if Holden's still here," Hoop told me before leaving.

I let myself into the apartment now, closed the door. With Holden in there, it felt more like our territory again. Familiar territory, in a sense. He was sitting on the couch, in exactly the same spot as I had been sitting before he kissed me. I could feel myself growing uncomfortable again.

"Why are you here?" I asked, walking towards him but avoiding eye contact.

"I told you," he said in response.

He looked at me and I shook my head. "Well, if you did, I don't remember."

"I miss you, Bank." I felt myself blushing, but I didn't know what to do.

He stood up and raised his hand to my cheek. I tried to avert my eyes but it was useless. He raised his other hand to my other cheek, and suddenly, as I hadn't expected it, he kissed me again. This time, however, it wasn't as rushed as the last; just showing that he'd be up for it. No. This time, there was more emotion involved. He had evolved more as a person since the last time we had done this. But something inside of me forced me not to kiss him back. I didn't know if it was because I didn't want to feel betrayed again, or if it was something else.

© January 2002


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